andjustzen andjustzen

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zen 

I'm so awful at splitting center
(-_-') last one! after I took a few real showers, I helped my brother start packing for his move to Tennessee. My only sibling.
Some context:
My dad's family is in Sacramento and my mom's is in Tokyo, so we didn't spend much time around relatives. As such, I'm sure our understanding of familial relationships is grossly distorted. Add to that a gap of 5 years between us and you get less "brothers" and more "detective and his elder wand wielding rebel monkey sidekick". I am sincerely amazed he managed not to strangle me, being the walking humanoid turd mass that I am. His patience is uncanny.
One of the few people in the world that knows exactly how garbage of a human being I am at my core, but still allows me to meet his friends and willingly invited me to spend two weeks with him confined to a sedan.
So we pack the car and head for every spot between LA and Nashville with bloody mary's or tacos or barbecue or beer and we meet an otter and we almost get lightning murdered and real murdered and we meet Big Al in Tuscaloosa and we drive across the world's longest bridge.
And then I flew home while he made a new one. (actually I flew to brazil)
In a few minutes it'll be a new year and I'll make a few more promises I won't keep; but for now I'm sitting on my grandparent's couch in Tokyo exactly where I was 365.24 days ago, a (nominally) different person.
The kind of person that deletes instagram off his phone lol deuces

and then I think I went a little stir-crazy. (my) office jobs have (had) this amazing quality wherein the monotony (and comfort of a steady paycheck) is (was) unrelenting. so Rob and I drove to Vancouver because we'd never seen Canada before. then he flew home...and I was alone. 1,300 miles from my bed (couch) and no reason to go back. so I stayed and I hiked and I swam and I learned how to take pictures of myself because I know my grandpa doesn't care what scenery he's looking at if I'm not in it. if I saw a mountain or a body of water I drove towards it. I slept in my car on residential streets, brushed my teeth in Walmart bathrooms, and scrubbed off dirt in rivers and lakes. I chased the hell out of some waterfalls. vagrant game 💯. stayed up all night to shoot pictures of stars and then drove down windy mountain passes wondering if I'd make it or if I'd die on the mountain and they'd name a bench after me. I'd say I'm more of a mahogany than a spruce.

I think loneliness and isolation is generally frowned upon, but I was frightened by how much I enjoyed not having interpersonal experiences. what if I forgot how to speak or lost all ability to read social cues? I'd never know who the weirdo at the party is because it'd always be me! (just like high school😏) my thoughts got odder and darker as my beard fused to my hair, so 4,052 miles later, I came back. (this is crater lake. I hiked an hour down the caldera to get here, set the tripod, and then tried to give myself hypothermia)

'15 in review! what I actually did for my birthday was much...differenter. Leo was in town from São Paulo. I generally will not go out for my birthday but he and Robert convinced me to embrace my youth and get wild. So they bought a ton of ribs from Bludso's in cpt and we grubbed in Rob's backyard as we watched the sunset. swag swag. And then it got cold so we hopped in the car and headed to the Ruth's Chris on S. Beverly and continued to gorge ourselves on appetizers (cuz real talk their sweet potato casserole is bananas). I can't remember how many of my birthdays I've actually enjoyed, but old friends will make any ol' day memorable.

'15 in review! after my trip to Tokyo, Hokkaido and Hong Kong in January, Laura invited me to a wilderness excursion in March that had a massive impact on the rest of my year. drove out to the middle of nowhere and then hiked down to the riverbank. after an awesome campfire dinner we all walked to the hot springs in the light of the full moon and drank by candlelight under the stars. it's what I want to do for all of my birthdays forever.

last night I watched this goofball graduate; the same dude that deliberately chose to skip a multiple choice theater final because he woke up too late...even though he lived 15 minutes away. very proud of his determination and perseverance 💮

my 3rd time here; can't understand why my vocabulary is limited to "heart attack" and "be careful"

the tiniest tempest

Kerouac can suck it

I'm gonna need a really good reason to head back home.