#landonslegacybookclub Part 1: JULY 10 2014
It’s 3 a.m. I keep waking up thinking I’m trapped in a crazy nightmare. Just over twenty-four hours ago we met our baby boy, Landon James. After about eight hours of labour, I was eight centimetres dilated. Suddenly his heartbeat dropped dangerously low, and I was rushed into the operating room for an emergency C-section. By the time they got him out, it was too late. His heart had stopped beating. It took over fifteen minutes to resuscitate him, and by that time his brain was severely damaged. No one knows exactly what happened. The doctors and nurses seem to be in as much shock as we are. He is still on life support, but it’s not looking good. We are praying for a miracle.
It’s 7 p.m., forty-two hours since Landon was born. I still feel as though I’m stuck in a nightmare that I can’t wake up from. Time is moving so, so slowly. Sometimes it seems that the minute hand on the clock isn’t moving at all. Nothing feels real. Landon doesn’t even feel real.
While today was much harder because the numbing effect of all the drugs in me is wearing off, there were also some good things. .... I'm able to spend more time with Landon now that I can sit and even stand longer, and I’ve been pumping colostrum and using it for cleaning his mouth, even though he can’t eat. Also, I did get to change his diaper after he passed his first meconium today. I never thought changing my baby’s dirty diaper could be the highlight of my day, but it was. Doing that for him made me feel at least a bit like a normal mom.
The hardest thing right now is not being able to hold my son because of all the tubes he’s hooked up to. It feels unnatural, so wrong, to be separated from him, not to be able to comfort him. He has been a part of me ever since he was conceived. I feel like I’ve abandoned him, and it breaks my heart to not know how much, if anything, he can sense. Does he hear my voice, know my touch and my smell or long to be in my arms just as much as I long to hold him? ...
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