Today my sister Janet and, hours later, my bestfriend Gino responded to one of my Instagram stories asking why I don’t post on my regular feed anymore.
I made up reasons: feed aesthetics, lack of material, too lazy to shoot, not wanting to post family photos on my public feed, pressure to be on par with every other grammer out there.
But the real reason is because I’ve always wanted my feed to have a positive vibe; to be inspirational and motivational. I used to be the go-to person when friends needed advice and my feed was supposed to be my platform for a bigger audience. However, for the last two years I have not been in the best place. And I felt like a hypocrite encouraging my followers when I myself can’t even walk the talk.
I was in and out of the dark. Half of the time i felt like I was at the top of the world, the other half I was miserable as f*ck. Half of the time I was out being sociable, the other half I wanted to shut everyone away. Half of the time I was in love with the world, the other half I cursed with every step. Half of the time I was a dreamer, the other half a realist. Half of the time I was a believer, the other half a skeptic. Half of the time I was a DC fan, the other half it was Marvel. Wait, that’s probably for a different post.
You get my point. I wasn’t using my power the way i wanted it and instead I was releasing the negativity affecting me. And it was not good.
So why post today? Not because I was told to. But because half of the time I wanted to close my eyes and never open them again and the other half I woke up early looking forward to the day ahead. I may not want to wake up early everyday, I may not always wake up looking forward to the day ahead. But the important thing is that I still wake up everyday because I choose to. Because i know that there will be bad times but there will also be good times. That with every darkness comes light. I just have to take it day by day.
Last week I had a high moment. I was with family. Surrounded with love. It was short but meaningful. I look forward to the day when we will all see each other again.
For that and for them, I wake up.