Monday feelz 🖤
tw: anxiety / depression / reality
Complete transparency: I've been hitting my max emotional capacity a lot lately. Knowing how the body works, as the well-designed, high-functioning machine that it is, I understand that my sympathetic nervous system is over-firing - I'm staying in Fight, Flight, or Freeze way longer than my human machine is designed for. ◾
Normally, I'm able to deal with this though yoga and dancing, but lately it seems I've got more energy trapped in me from more intense emotional experiences than is released when I practice those things. ◾
It comes in waves. For a day or two I might be fine, then all of a sudden I can't even get out of bed, I burst into tears unexpectedly and uncontrollably... last night I couldn't sleep and eventually had an anxiety attack - hyperventilating, shaking, whimpering, I couldn't get a hold of it. I felt so filled with the energy of these feelings and this darkness that if I didn't cling to whatever was closest to me I'd be flung into oblivion. Everything felt heavy and dark and hot.
I don't know if I've ever truly hit rock bottom. I don't know for sure if that's where I am now. I feel like when people talk about that place - "rock bottom" - they don't realize that's where they were until they've left, moved on, crawled out of the trenches, battered and beaten, muddied by their own emotional defeat, unable to identify who they are. All I know for sure is that my machine is malfunctioning - it wasn't designed for this. And I'm not sure how to switch it off when the triggers come from "out there" and show no signs of stopping. ◾
So deep in the What The Fuck Is This right now. Send love, pls.