I took an afternoon to be alone in the city I grew up in... it was intense. I used to spend so much time here by myself. I did have friends here that I loved- very much, in fact- still do-but the choice to isolate tended to feel easier in the moment + those moments happened over + over until it was just the way things were. It’s a city that supports loneliness- you spend so much time in your car, in your home; it’s so easy to remain untouched by other humans, if you aren’t careful. I was so lonely then. I didn’t know how to be any other way. Isolation is a tough habit to break... I am not often alone these days- that old story that it was the only way to survive is busted.
It’s incredible. Still, while over and over, life hands me love, compassion, people who genuinely want to be there with me, through thick and thin, I’m still learning how to accept it... how not to retreat. my body knows how easy it is to descend back into that hole of protective aloneness, to fall back into the safety of keeping the world at bay. If I give myself room, I begin to disappear. It is important to have space to feel, to take time to process emotions that can whiz through you in a blur, calling the shots as long as they remain nameless and uninspected. Time spent with yourself, in reflection and observation, is very important. A walk, a bath, an hour spent journaling or watching dogs run around in the park- self-care is way too often neglected and is necessary in order to remain sane in this noisy, fast world. But I am also seeing how cold it can get, when you think you are standing in the sun trying to get warm but secretly pushing all that is warm+ loving away from you because you’re scared. depression + anxiety tell us each our own stories about why no one else will understand, why we need to go it alone. They are the voices that keep us separate, stuck, empty, lost. We need to take time to hear ourselves, yet I hope this can serve as a reminder to you (as I remind myself) that it’s also ok to reach out when you feel lonesome. It’s the holidays-a perfect time to deepen friendships, expose a bit more truth, allow yourself to be known a little more... I send you love + courage 💕