When I saw my text from @everytown, I clicked the link to find the next meeting near me because I wanted to do something. Go to a meeting, make plans, listen to smart people about ideas and action. The next meeting was scheduled for today, 6pm, Sojourner Peace Center on Walnut. At work, I forgot all about the meeting until my commute home. I had already passed the building, and went 20 minutes out of my way to turn around and circle back to attend this meeting. I literally missed the parking lot entrance, and because of my own fears and anxiety, ended up not attending. I literally drove to the meeting and didn’t walk inside. What’s wrong with me?
My big voice inside screamed “Just go! Find parking! Go inside!” But my unfounded anxiety about showing up without RSVPing to a new place and new situation won tonight.
Paralyzed, I drove home.
I quietly went about my night.
I ate. I drank. Scrolled. Read. Watched. Listened.
I’m not sure what terrible part of me made so many excuses tonight, but my biggest fear is that at the heart of it, I’ve lost some of the me that believes— in hope, and action, and politics, and justice.
I hope that’s not true.
I hope I show up next time.
Maybe I’ll even bring you with me.
For now, I’m thinking of them and their families and communities , because that’s what we do best from the comforts of our own homes.