alexfdamour alexfdamour

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Alexandra D'amour - she/her  Writer traveling with a genetically saggy cat, a partially toothless mutt and an OCD husband. Find my heart & soul over at @onourmoon

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: DOG BACKWARDS IS GOD.

A few days ago, Kevin and I unexpectedly arrived in Southern California, a place that we gratefully called home for a few years. We loved living here, and I think we always imagined moving back here at some point. But as we drove up the PCH today, a highway that always previously made me feel alive and at peace, we talked about how weird it felt to be back, how this place that was once our home no longer felt like home. It's something I've been thinking about a lot over the last few months. What defines a home and what defines feeling like you're at home? Is home where you grew up? Or wherever your mail gets sent to? As someone who grew up constantly on the move (I went to four high schools in three different countries) this has been a challenging one to answer and I'm still not certain I've found a clear and concise answer, even after being sans home for a total of 114 days. I've been traveling with my squatty potty, my kitchen knives, spices, teas and my favorite mug -- all things that make me feel "at home" while sleeping in a stranger's place. I'm not sure I know what home is or means but I know that leaving any semblance of a stable, permanent address has gotten me closer to finding the answer to this question. I know that home is fluid and ever evolving, as it always has been for me. I know that home is an intangible concept, far more important that any physical structure or address. I know that for me, home is an inner feeling of being rather than the zip code I chose to live in.

A few weeks ago, on my birthday, Kevin and I were attempting acro-yoga while bumming around our airbnb before dinner. With zero coordination skills in my body, I fell mid air, and landed on top of him. We laughed, giggled really, while Kevin tickled me as he made fun of my clumsy body. As I laid my head by his, I was taken aback by his sudden serious demeanor. "You know one day I will find the words to tell you how much you mean to me, right?" he said. Unsure of why he turned so somber, I yelled out: "BABY! That's so sweet!!", to which he responded, with an even more serious look: "I'm not joking love. One day I will find the words to describe all the ways in which you've changed my life. It may take me a decade or two but I hope you know I will find them one day." I immediately cried, and over the last few weeks I've thought often about these words he spoke to me on my birthday.⁣

Today is Kevin's birthday, and I, just like he did, feel like I'm at a loss for words to accurately articulate the ways in which this man has changed my life. Words, and certainly Instagram captions, feel like they cover a mere sliver to describe the depth of my love for him. Over the last seven years, I’ve tried many times, in Instagram captions and birthday cards, to find the words, but over the last few weeks I’ve been finding comfort in the idea that maybe I never will. That my love, and our love, is too infinite to hang any set amount of words to. Too vast to be interpreted by common language and too expansive to be limited by any alphabet. Maybe love isn’t supposed to be translated through characters and signs, but instead, to be felt in the spaces where words cannot exist. Like when I fell mid-air when we attempted acroyoga. I knew I would land, safely, in his arms, like I always have since the day we met. Words will never do our love justice but I know that in this life and the next, he will catch me when I fall, and I will forever know that his arms are the safest home I’ll ever own. Happy birthday, my love. I’m so grateful for you.

We've gotten many raised eyebrows when we told a few friends we were potentially interested in moving to Tucson, and I have to be honest, the first couple of days spending time here, we understood their hesitation about this pretty odd town. It felt like we came across many strange fellas in this rather boring and quiet place. But then we met a local who compared Tucson to the desert: “on the surface, there’s not much here but the more time you spend exploring, the more you will find whole ecosystems living under the surface.” And that’s exactly what happened to us. Every day after this local told us that we found gem after gem after gem. The food, the people, the nature. It all felt pretty spectacular and was a reminder to not judge a book by its cover. Maybe strange fellows and a little side of weird is exactly what we’re after these days.

We've spent the last 10 days exploring Tucson. More than that actually, we spent the last 10 days looking for a new (and permanent) home in Tucson. Unfortunately, none of the homes we found spoke to us. I spent 7 of the 10 days feeling stressed and anxious about it. Getting lost on realty and rental websites, while drowning in an overwhelming desire to find us a fixed home. After lengthy chats with Kevin, I can luckily say that I spent the last three days of our trip feeling light and hopeful. Much of this year's life lessons so far have been about giving up the need to control, and instead listening intently to life's subtle and not-so-subtle whispers. It's not the right time to be finding a permanent home. So I'm continuing to take daily plunges into the unknown with a great amount of trust. Things are always working out for me. For us. Repeating that mantra until I'm blue in the face. Trust > control.

Yesterday we had the opportunity to check out @thejoshuatreehouse new project; an old inn in the outskirts of Tucson that they’re renovating. Sara and Rich were kind enough to show us the whole property and I can tell you that what they’re creating in the Saguaro dessert is extraordinary. I’ve been obsessively following their reno updates (check out their highlights - it’s so cool!) but to see the magnitude of this property in person is a different beast altogether. The architecture of this old inn is heavenly, the endless nature views feel like your eyes are playing tricks on you, and the sunset we experienced was out of this world. Congrats Sara and Rich, we are beyond excited to come back and spend more time here! 🌵

04032019

found out we left 100 days ago today.

last morning meeting with our favorite local Utahns.

And just like that, we’re leaving this beautiful state. I am beyond grateful we got to spend some time here before our next stop. Nature, bunny hops, hikes and lots of quiet time is exactly what we needed.

where the wild things are 🦁

“The Blue Orb is a calming and peaceful presence. In the presence of a Blue Orb, we feel protected spiritually, and our anxieties are lessened. Usually, the message of a Blue Orb is, “Carry on, as you are. You are on the right path.”

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