Before this photo: five hours sleep, heart palpitations, anxiety driven mania to ‘get things done’, be productive, eat this but not that, a decision to wear jeans and then get changed because they feel a little too tight, irritability, guilt, self-consciousness, do everything in the right order, feel frustrated, feel afraid that you did it wrong, feel dread in case you did, did you forget something else? What else have you got to do this week? What are other people’s expectations of you? Are you living up to them?
After this photo: a need to put my head in my hands and confess that it’s not all it seems. We are all in a struggle of life, be they small or large, and mostly we do our best.
I try not to be hard on myself, but it’s an intrinsic mechanism that failure isn’t acceptable. Inadequacy is my best friend and worst enemy, she tells me I could have and should have done better but my loved ones disagree. Inward battle: do they really know me at all? Of course they do. Whatever your talents, capabilities or personality traits are, they too can fall short against expectations that we hold ourselves to. We are not always lazy, we are tired. We are not always fun, laughing and life-loving people: we are sad, lonely and frustrated sometimes. Whatever I am, I am trying. And sometimes that’s all I can do. #vscocam