I'm going to be honest,
The last few weeks I've spent more time than I'd like to alone, resting and eating. Although this is very healthy for me and a complete necessity in recovery I hate it. I feel like I'm standing still with everyone passing me by, I feel like I'm wasting my life even more when in reality this is the frustrating process of rebuilding it.
I've missed out on so much life because of this illness:
- I never got my license because I never had the energy to drive a car
- I never went to parties out of fear of the calories in alcohol - I lost my job because I couldn't perform at work anymore - I lost some of my closest friends because my ED didn't want to share me - I lost my ability to run (I haven't run in almost two years)
- I had to drop out of uni because my body was shutting down during classes and I would pass out even my the use of mental energy (thinking)
I lost everyone and everything to my greedy coping mechanism. I never wanted to be slimmer if you knew me before you'd know I was so body confident and would proudly parade myself in a bikini all day long. But when push comes to shove the only way I knew to keep myself company was to make friends with my ED and unfortunately for me I'm the most loyal friend anyone could have.
Anyway I'm alone again and the thought of restriction haunts me everyday. But I'm so beyond proud of myself for still nourishing and resting even though I'm pulling my hair out. I'm struggling with accepting the weight gain and increased hunger that has come along with this. I feel as though I'm losing myself to gluttony - all I do is sleep, eat and wait for my sister to come home. I'm just existing, I'm fighting for my life back but I'm getting so impatient and frustrated with the process.
Honestly, I don't know who I am and I'm terrified of coming out the other end unhappy with myself. I by no means wish to lose weigh or miss my old body I just miss the company it gave me, the purpose it gave me (as fucked up as it sounds) because right now I'm so lonely, isolated and powerless.
The only thing that separates a bad day with an indestructible one is mind set. Gratitude will take you anywhere and everywhere.